


Calling out to You

by minikawa



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Drunk Dialing, Drunken Confessions, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, im crying too, im sorry i make them cry all the time q.q, theyre so broken pls help them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minikawa/pseuds/minikawa
Summary: Javier is back in the States, awaiting trial for his involvement with Los Pepes, leaving Steve on his own for what feels like the very first time since their partnership. After the war on Escobar is brought to an end, the victory feels hollow without Javier by Steve's side.Tonight, however, Steve is surprised to find several messages left behind by his partner on his answering machine, unearthing a yearning within him that he hadn't realized himself...
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	Calling out to You

**Author's Note:**

> hello my friends!! a couple notes about the process of this fic: 
> 
> -this story is heavily inspired by [this monologue by pedro pascal](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiW0WbH3cTU&ab_channel=NellaPoppins) !! holy shit this man's acting is so good, and i seriously can't watch it without crying q.q go give it a watch if u wanna have a good cry!!
> 
> -other inspirations for this fic include the song [Implode by BoA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbgYTIUt_b0&ab_channel=dorkified812) , a bunch of sad anime OSTs, and most of all, the beautifully sad and aching fics many of you guys write. Yall have been writing some amazingly heartbreaking content lately, which have left me crying for DAYS x'DD thank you for the tears, you guys are amazing at delivering all the feels!
> 
> -i hope you enjoy!

_Hey, this is Steve! Can’t answer the phone right now, probably chasing drug lords at the moment or something...please leave a message after the beep, and I’ll get to you as soon as I can._

…

Steve always had someone to come home to. First, it was Connie, who always greeted him with a hug, a gentle kiss on the cheek, and his favorite snacks ready to cheer him up after a hard day of work. Then, it had been Connie _and_ Olivia. Even if he had a bad day, seeing his daughter toddle and reach up to him to pick her up melted all the negativity of that day, replaced with only warmth and love when he nuzzled her in his arms. 

And then Connie and Olivia left. Yet Steve wasn’t alone. 

Javi made sure of that. 

They had been partners for years now, both of them having walked through the fire together in the war against Escobar. Throughout, they had seen each other wounded and exhausted, lifting the other up when it felt like the war was coming down on them. Working in close proximity with each other had them memorizing various facts and details about the other—Steve found that Javier had a very subtle deadpan sense of humor, an aversion to peanut butter, and a guilty pleasure of listening to sappy romantic ballads. Javier had found that Steve liked to take power naps in the filing room where no one would bother him, kept a collection of old blues records, and that his accent would sometimes get heavier whenever he was tired or grumpy. They had become each other’s confidante, the first real friend either of them has had in so long. The more they worked together, the more they enjoyed learning new things about each other.

And it was when Connie left that Javier saw a new side of Steve—the raw, vulnerable, aching side that Steve had buried long before he arrived in Colombia. And Javier had accepted him with grace, spent nights drinking with him and listening to him as he spilled all his hurt, held him when Steve felt too heavy to hold himself up. The cracks that Connie left in his heart were slowly being sealed with Javier’s reassuring presence. Javier had become his constant, the one thing he could always be sure of in his unpredictable life. 

But now, Javier was in the States, the fate of his career hanging in the hands of their superiors after his involvement with Los Pepes. Their decision would dictate whether he could return to the DEA in Colombia, or be stripped of his title in dishonor. The thought that Javier might not return, of being without his partner, dug a deep empty pit in Steve’s chest. 

Javier had been gone for a week, which meant Steve would be coming home to no one. Being alone felt so foreign to him, having no one to complain about his day to, or no one to hug whenever he was feeling low. He should have been happy—he had just caught Escobar, putting an end to the war that raged through Colombia. And yet, the celebrations felt hollow without his partner by his side. If it hadn’t been for Javier, for everything he risked, they never would have caught Escobar. It made Steve angry, if he had to be honest, that Javier’s career was on the line, instead of having him here to be celebrated like a hero. 

So every night for a week, Steve went home alone, no loving arms to welcome him back. No one to talk to him and ask him about his day. 

This night was a little different.

He wasn’t sure what it was, but something compelled him to check his answering machine. Javier would sometimes call at night when Steve came home, but tonight Steve had worked much later than usual. When he checked the answering machine, he was surprised to see several missed messages from his partner. Most people usually left one or two.

Pouring himself a glass of whiskey, Steve seated himself beside his answering machine and hit play on the first message. 

_“Hey Steve,_ ” his partner’s voice sounded staticky from the other end of the phone. Steve could pick out faint chatter in the background, and he guessed Javier must have been calling him from a bar. _“Just checking in! I hope you’re looking after yourself over there...it must be hard not having a partner around to babysit you.”_

Steve rolled his eyes, chuckling to himself. He listened on. 

_“Everyone’s talking about it...The Escobar thing, I mean. I still can’t believe it’s over...after fighting for so long, it feels unreal. Sometimes I think I’m gonna wake up and it’ll just be a dream, and we’ll be back in the middle of this war. I gotta pinch myself to remember that this is all real._

_Anyway, I saw your photo on the news tonight. They’re celebrating the heroes who brought down Escobar. Seeing your face, hearing your voice in the interviews...I’ve never felt so proud to be your partner._

_I’m so proud of you, Murphy.”_

That was the end of the first message. Steve swallowed a lump in his throat. A warmth bloomed in his chest. For the very first time since he joined the war, after so many grueling years hunting down the cartel and getting shot at and losing comrades left and right...someone told them that they were proud of him. He didn’t feel like he deserved it...not without Javier. He wouldn’t be here had it not been for his partner and the risks he took to take Escobar down. Without Javier, his accomplishments meant nothing. 

_I’m proud of you too,_ Steve wanted to say. Smiling, he clicked on the next message. 

_“Hey Steve,”_ this time there wasn’t any background chatter, so Javier must have been calling him from the privacy of his hotel room. _“Guess who’s probably gonna lose my job tomorrow?”_

Oh. The day of the hearing was arriving soon. Steve felt his stomach clench. 

_“Looks like all the Los Pepes shit caught up to me, eh? I guess I have no right to be mad, I guess I do kinda’ deserve it.”_ There was a long pause, and Steve could hear the clinking of glass on the other end. Javier was taking a long sip before resuming. 

_“I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew it was stupid...but sometimes you gotta do stupid shit to get the job done, for the nightmare to end. I just wanted the war to end, Steve.”_ His voice had begun to stagger, slightly slurred yet nonetheless sincere. _“And well, the nightmare’s over for Colombia...but not for me, I guess. They’re not gonna let this shit slide. I did what I thought I had to do, and now I gotta pay the price.”_ There was a pause, and Steve could hear that Javier was definitely drinking out of a glass. _“I deserve it. Whatever they do to me tomorrow...if they kick me out of the DEA, or throw me in prison, or fucking execute me on the spot...I deserve it. I deserve it for endangering everyone else, for letting people die because of my bullshit. I shouldn’t be mad, I shouldn’t be freaking out, I need to face the music...I have no right to be freaking out this much but…_

_I’m scared.”_

His voice had sounded so small. Javier had always been so strong and composed, even in the face of death, yet hearing his voice hitch like that filled Steve with this overwhelming urge to protect his partner. It felt so unfair! He should be standing beside his partner, in front of the judging eyes of their superiors. He should be there with him, defending him, looking out for the man that held him when he himself was falling apart. It broke him that he couldn’t be there with Javier, that he couldn’t hold his partner and reassure him that everything would be okay. 

Taking a deep breath, Steve pressed play on the answering machine once more.

 _“I can’t sleep,”_ Javier’s voice crackled on the answering machine. He sounded heavier, his speech even more slurred and broken. _“I think I’m going crazy. I can’t stop thinking about shit...about tomorrow, about possibly losing my job. I can’t stop thinking about…_

_I can’t stop thinking about you.”_

The world stopped turning. Steve’s glass fell from his hand, clattering onto the floor. He paused the answering machine. Javier was thinking about him? Javi had more important things to worry about, and yet he still thought about him? Steve’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t think of himself as anything special, not when there were more pressing matters to attend to. And yet the thought made something ache in his chest.

He clicked on play. 

_“Thinking ‘bout you is the only thing keeping me sane. You always tell me to distract myself with shit that makes me happy, remember? So...guess that’s what I’m doing_ . _I keep thinking about what you’re probably doing over there. Are you still celebrating? Are you sleeping alright, now that the war’s over? Do you...do you think about me too?”_

His voice sounded so soft, so uncharacterisitically timid. It made Steve’s chest ache even more. Not a day went by where Steve _wasn’t_ thinking about his partner, missing him, wishing he were here celebrating with him. Hearing Javier’s voice only deepened the longing he felt, reminding him of his absence. 

_“I’m thinking about what it’d be like if you were down here with me. You’d probably say one of your lame jokes to cheer me up...and you’d laugh at your own jokes too, like a dork.”_ There was a laugh—a bitter, sad laugh. _“God, I wish you were here. I need to hear those dumb jokes again. I need someone to tell me that everything will be okay. I’m being a selfish asshole, aren’t I? I don’t wanna drag you down with me. You shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes. But I just…”_ His voice hitched. Steve could hear Javier take a deep shuddering breath. _“I don’t wanna be alone right now. I can’t do this, Steve...not without you.”_

There was another long pause, other than quiet sniffling coming from the other side of the phone. _“Fuck. Sometimes, I catch myself hearing your voice, or smelling your cologne whenever I wake up. I reach out to touch you, to hold you...only for you to fall apart in my hand. Because you’re not here.”_ There was a muffled sob, one that shattered Steve’s heart. 

_“Depending on how shit goes down tomorrow, I might...I might never see you again. They’ll probably haul my ass to prison for my bullshit. Maybe it’s better that you never see me again, ‘cause I’m a piece of shit and I’ll only drag you down with me. That way, I can’t hurt you anymore. You’ll be happy and safe. That’s all that matters to me...that you’re safe._

_But if I never see you again, I just regret not telling you how much I loved the way you laugh at your stupid jokes. I should have told you how much I loved the way you’d whistle to your favorite songs in the morning, how much I loved the way you’d smile at me like everything would be alright…”_ His voice broke, resulting in a choked whimper. He gasped through the words.

_“I should have told you how much I loved…_

_How much I loved…”_

Javier’s voice trailed off until it was reduced to broken, muffled sobbing. Steve’s hands shook as they flew to his mouth, unable to hold back his own tears. He fell apart hearing his partner’s shattered weeping, and it killed him even more that he couldn’t run in to engulf Javier into his arms and kiss away his tears, that he couldn’t protect him. He _burned_ to be with Javier, his partner, his _heart._ The only thing he could do is cry with his love, sharing in his heartache. 

_“Lo siento,”_ Javier whimpered, _“Por favor no me odies...Lo siento, no fui lo suficientemente bueno…”*_

 _No,_ Steve wanted to say, _I could never hate you._ It killed him that Javier would ever think that, that he would ever think he wasn’t good enough for Steve. If only he knew…

If only he knew how much he meant the world to Steve. 

The recording ended there. Silent tears streamed down Steve’s face as he sniffled, taking deep shaking breaths to return to composure. There was one more recording on the answering machine left. Wiping away the last of his tears, Steve clicked play. 

_“Steve,”_ Javier’s voice was hoarse and faint from crying, but Steve could hear that he was fighting to keep himself steady. _“Even if I never see you again, I just want you to know...all that matters to me is that you are happy. I know I’ve done a lot of stupid shit, but it was all worth it if it meant winning the war and making sure that you got out of it alive. I wouldn’t have gotten through this without you by my side.”_

Steve wrapped his arms around himself and closed his eyes. As the last of the recording played, he allowed himself to believe that Javier was right here, nestled in his arms, safe and sound. He could almost feel his partner’s warmth...the warmth that meant he was home.

_“Thank you for putting up with me, partner...thank you for giving me something to believe in. Thank you for being you._

_Gracias por todo lo que haces_

_Even if you forget me, just remember one thing:_

_Te amo.”_

**Author's Note:**

> *Translations:  
> -"I'm sorry...Please don't hate me...I'm sorry I wasn't good enough"  
> -"thank you for everything you do"  
> -"i love you"  
> (please let me know if anything is incorrect!)
> 
> I would like to apologize to all of you beautiful people, and to Steve and Javi because I made them cry. But to be fair, I made myself cry too writing this, I am a very emotional creature x'DD 
> 
> Please let me know what you guys think! (and pls feel free to yell at me, i deserve it :'))


End file.
